How do I find my way back after years of feeling like a failure?
Around a month ago I quit my job by walking out. It’s a bit of a long story that transpired over the last year of my five and a half years of employment. I do not regret this decision, I believe it is something that I had to do. With my history of trauma and mental illness, a nine-to-five proved to cause too much anxiety and stress in my day-to-day life. This was compounded the longer I worked because the more experienced I became, the more duties I had put on my plate.
Through this process, I found several ways to cope with the profound stress and doubt I faced. These were all gained through trial and error. This was not an easy process, though I hope it is easier for others during their journey.
For those who don’t know, I suffer from schizoaffective disorder, which comes with a nice serving of paranoia. Being terrified of how other people viewed me was one of the hardest issues that I had to come to terms with. It’s not easy to feel unwanted, and unloved, and like everyone, deep down, knows how pathetic and sad you are.
Doubt is stronger than non-fiction
It doesn’t matter how many people tell you that you are terrific, intelligent, fun, likable, competent, or any of those compliments because you know, deep down, you can’t trust anyone. Not that everyone is a malicious liar, mind you, but that they think you are too weak to know the truth.
This brings us to our current problem — I worked at my last job long enough to feel confident in my work and work relationships. Shifting to being at home has been excruciating, though I do want to stay working from home if at all able, but the impact on my routine has left me devastated.
I spend a lot of time on my Indeed job searches and other options trying to find work-from-home jobs or part-time jobs near me, but I am trying to be picky about the company I am working for. A month has passed, and I am starting to feel the pressure. Those old self-care routines I used to get through the day are no longer efficient because of the fact that my current situation has changed wildly.
Time to adapt
Ineed to learn new thinking methods to keep me motivated and on track. I’ve done a bit of freelance work, but pay has not been sufficient enough to really feel like I am contributing to my household.
One of the ways I build up my confidence is by earning cash on side hustles. Some of these are from gaming platforms. I use services like Freecash and Solitaire to supplement my income through day-to-day tasks that don’t take too long. It doesn’t earn much, but when my family wants a meal and we don’t have the funds, it really helps to cash out $50 and surprise everyone with a feast.
Regaining my confidence
Keeping up with my writing has been difficult, but here I am. Continuing on this journey is important to who I want to be in the future, and it gives me a daily task to keep up with that will help me grow as well.
I’ve also been taking my data analytics courses through Coursera for the Google cert program. This has been difficult, but I am over halfway done with the program and hope to complete the program within the next two months.